RAISING AN EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT CHILD
by Terri Kirwan
Over the last few years, there has been a lot of talk about “emotional
intelligence” and its importance for children. But what does
emotional intelligence mean, why is it important, and what can parents
do to develop it in their children? Emotional intelligence is nothing
more then knowing what your emotions are (self awareness), how to
manage them in appropriate ways (self regulation) and understanding
the emotions of others (empathy). When you take these skills and use
them to skillfully negotiate an emotionally charged situation, you
are “emotionally literate”. These abilities seem fairly
simple. Yet, your child’s development of these skills can profoundly
affect their experience of life. This is because children’s
ability to successfully manage their emotions plays a critical role
in the choices they make and the quality of their relationships.
For instance, studies point out that children who do not have the
ability to handle anxiety or depression are much more likely to abuse
alcohol or drugs. Other studies suggest that girls who have difficulty
controlling their impulses are more likely to have teen pregnancies.
While boys who have trouble with impulsivity are more prone to violence
and delinquency. On the other hand, children whose parents teach them
how to understand and handle troubling feelings, and have empathy
for the feelings of others tend to experience a variety of positive
consequences. When children are taught how to manage their emotions
they are better able to self soothe, or calm themselves down, when
they are upset. Therefore, in stressful situations, they relate well
with others, make better decisions, and return their focus to the
task at hand faster. Learning how to manage one’s emotions leads
to greater impulse control. Therefore, emotionally intelligent children
do better in school because they have a greater ability to forsake
short-term gratification for long-term benefits. They also tend to
have better friendships because of their ability to understand and
empathize with others. There are also long term benefits. As the emotionally
intelligent kids are followed throughout life they tend to have greater
degree of inner satisfaction and greater success in relationships
and career.
So, how do children become emotionally intelligent? Well, there are
three developmental building blocks that lay the foundation for a
child’s development of a healthy sense of self, or emotional
intelligence. These three building blocks are Bonding, Mirroring and
Differentiation. Although the emphasis may be more on bonding in infancy
and differentiation in adolescence, your child will need all three
throughout every age – just as we all do throughout our lifespan.
BONDING
Bonding is also known as attachment. It facilitates a feeling of
safety and trust in relationships because we are receiving the message
that we are loved and wanted. In order to create a bond, a parent
must be, not just physically present but, emotionally present and
“attuned” to their child as well. So, what is attunement?
Well, many of us have had the experience of talking with someone who
is un-attuned to us. Just think of how bonded you feel with the “friend”
who keeps interrupting you or checking out every else in the room,
while you are trying to share something that is important to you.
This is exactly how kids feel when we are not attuned, or emotionally
present, for what is really going on with them. In today’s hectic
society, it is easy for parents to simply go through the motions of
meeting a child’s physical needs for food, baths and bed while
in their mind still being at work, or planning for the next day’s
events. Meanwhile, a child may be experiencing distress, joy, fear,
or pride and it is completely missed. When parents miss the opportunity
to connect with their children’s emotions they miss the opportunity
to bond with them. Besides providing children with a sense of security,
attunement is what first teaches kids to be attuned to their feelings
and the feelings of others – two critical components of emotional
intelligence.
MIRRORING
What we as adults need to remember about emotions is that children
are new here. We understand that they do not know what things are
called or where they come from and they rely on adults to give words
and meaning to the physical world. But we forget that the same is
true of their emotional world. Children are constantly experiencing
the sometimes exciting, sometimes scary, sometimes frightening world
of emotions. And, they need parents to reflect back to them what these
mysterious physical, emotional and mental experiences are, in a loving
way. They also need parents to provide a model of how to handle difficult
emotions. When a parent empathically labels a child’s feelings,
it generally calms them down. Suddenly, their emotions feel less overwhelming
if mom or dad know what the feeling is, normalize it by giving it
a name, and soothe them with an empathetic statement or hug. This
can be as simple as “That was really scary when you fell off
the swing, huh?” Of course, attunement is needed for a reflection
to be accurate. If your child is fearful and you hurriedly say, “Oh,
your fine.” then your child will either stay upset or pull away.
When this happens your child has missed both the opportunity to learn
how to manage difficult emotions and to bond with you as a trusted
reflection of their world. Remember, how you handle a child’s
emotions is how they will learn to manage emotions. When children
do get accurate and attuned mirroring, they eventually develop an
internal ability to reflect their feelings and calm themselves down
just as you provided. This internal mirror creates a sense of well
being despite external stress and helps them to make the good decisions
despite external influences down the road.
Of course, simply having their feelings seen and heard is ultimately
not enough for children to learn impulse control and good decision-making.
These also must be modeled by parents and internalized by children.
After labeling a child’s emotion, a parent needs to sets limits
on inappropriate behavior and help the child problem solve about ways
to appropriately handle the situation. A simple example of this is,
“ I understand that you are angry that john got the front seat,
but we do not hit people when we are angry. What do you think you
could do instead?” While parents should be more suggestive with
their young children, the point is to teach them to make their own
decisions. So, when they are young, give them two or three options
from which to choose. As they get older, you may help them to brainstorm
or simply reflect back to them the various solutions and consequences
that they are exploring. At any age, remember - unless it puts your
child in danger - be supportive of their decisions, even if it is
not one that you would have chosen. Do not be afraid to let them make
mistakes and learn from them. A mistake will only give them an opportunity
to come back and do more brainstorming. Trusting in their decision-making
abilities not only signals your confidence in their growing autonomy,
but provides them with ongoing practice as life’s decisions
become more challenging.
DIFFERENTIATION
Differentiation is the ability to accept that children (and others)
can have feelings, thoughts, desires, opinions, etc… that are
different from our own without it affecting our bond with them or
our own emotional well being. This is of critical importance in a
parent’s ability to mirror emotions, set limits and teach problem
solving to their children. Some people have difficulty seeing their
children in pain or expressing emotions in a way they find disturbing.
So, it is difficult for them to stay present and simply reflect a
child’s emotions without trying to change or stop them in some
way. Some parents may have difficulty setting limits because of their
own fear that it may break the bond that they have with their children.
Their challenge may be in trusting that they can maintain a bond even
though their child may pull away temporarily. Ultimately, clear and
predictable limits given with love strengthen a family bond. For other
parents, problem solving can be more of a challenge - especially as
children get older and make more of their own decisions. Some parents
may have difficulty accepting their children’s differences in
dress, music or interests. Other parents may want to spare their children
the pain of making the mistakes that they have made. They may give
unsolicited solutions rather than guide their kids toward their own.
Accepting a child as an autonomous individual while providing a supportive
bond is a difficult balancing act that parents must work with throughout
their children’s lives.
Of course, no parent can be 100% attuned, mirror feelings perfectly
or stay completely non-reactive to their child’s differences.
However, if you aspire to act according to these principles, you will
go from being you child’s adversary to trusted ally and guide.
And, just as important, you will likely raise an emotionally intelligent
child whose chances of social, emotional and personal success will
be that much greater because of it.
Terri Kirwan, M.A. is a local psychotherapist who specializes in
developmental psychology. To learn more about becoming your child’s
emotional coach, you can join one of her parenting workshops (720-732-4050)
or read, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John Gottman.
